Wengwang na araw. Deadlines na napo-postpone, thus prolonging my agony.
At deadlines na pilit hinahabol. Until now. Shet. Wala pa akong tulog, as in. Mula BC132 tungong BC123.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Crossroads (or depression, again)
I don't get this. I really don't get it. The feeling that everything you do is pretty pointless — be it academics or be it Kule. It's not like I deliberately think about it; it just comes on its own accord. This empty feeling, this alienation, this strange disturbance that I hope will go away really, really soon.
Lately, I've been thinking of doing something more than I already am (and I know it's near suicide, what I'm considering). That's why right now I'm thinking about joining another org outside of Kule (UP SILIP to be precise).
The thing is, I'm really confused about what I truly want to do.
My impending graduation, one year from now (that is if I finish on time), seems like a dead-end; a deadline to make decisions. Decisions which I have put off for as long as I could. I have options aplenty, but in the end I know that somehow I have already chosen, I just still haven't gotten around to accepting which options seem most viable to me.
Existential? Maybe; most of the time I just chalk it off as chronic depression that eventually goes away. Manic-depressive? Possibly. World-weary? Isn't that too early at this point in my life? I mean, I'm barely 18, it's not like I'm supposed to experience some midlife crisis now. I'm supposed to be at the height of my youth. I'm not supposed to be like this.
But then, and the more important question is, why? Everything's going well in my life. It's not like I'm failing my classes or anything. It's not like I'm having problems again with my working relations with the people I work with.
Problem is, it's beginning to come more frequently lately that I'm afraid it might be something more serious.
Moreover, I have no freaking idea how to get around this.
I need a diversion badly. I know as much. I feel removed (detached, I think, is the more apt word) from the height of things, like when other people are around me, I just simply fade quietly into the background, choosing not to mingle, choosing to be alone, wrapped up in my thoughts (or lack thereof).
Maybe I need to write more, since I have long since recognized that writing is my form of therapy. Like now.
Or maybe I just need to stop for a moment, and breathe.
Lately, I've been thinking of doing something more than I already am (and I know it's near suicide, what I'm considering). That's why right now I'm thinking about joining another org outside of Kule (UP SILIP to be precise).
The thing is, I'm really confused about what I truly want to do.
My impending graduation, one year from now (that is if I finish on time), seems like a dead-end; a deadline to make decisions. Decisions which I have put off for as long as I could. I have options aplenty, but in the end I know that somehow I have already chosen, I just still haven't gotten around to accepting which options seem most viable to me.
Existential? Maybe; most of the time I just chalk it off as chronic depression that eventually goes away. Manic-depressive? Possibly. World-weary? Isn't that too early at this point in my life? I mean, I'm barely 18, it's not like I'm supposed to experience some midlife crisis now. I'm supposed to be at the height of my youth. I'm not supposed to be like this.
But then, and the more important question is, why? Everything's going well in my life. It's not like I'm failing my classes or anything. It's not like I'm having problems again with my working relations with the people I work with.
Problem is, it's beginning to come more frequently lately that I'm afraid it might be something more serious.
Moreover, I have no freaking idea how to get around this.
I need a diversion badly. I know as much. I feel removed (detached, I think, is the more apt word) from the height of things, like when other people are around me, I just simply fade quietly into the background, choosing not to mingle, choosing to be alone, wrapped up in my thoughts (or lack thereof).
Maybe I need to write more, since I have long since recognized that writing is my form of therapy. Like now.
Or maybe I just need to stop for a moment, and breathe.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
(untitled, again)
I always say that regret is the saddest word in the world. Still, even knowing that...
In the end, regret is all I could do.
In the end, regret is all I could do.
****
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Obsessed or depressed?
Mas mainam maging depressed kesa obsessed.
At least pag depressed ako, marami akong naisusulat.
Ngayon, kung obsessed ka na, depressed ka pa, ano na lang mangyayari sa iyo?
Maluka ka na lang. Hahaha.
***
May writer kayang sobrang maligaya lang sa buhay? Gusto ko siyang makilala.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Estranghera*
Sa paglalakad, ginugunita
Mga lumipas na araw
Mga alaalang tinuldukan
Ng aking pagkakamulat —
Mga alaalang dulot ay disgusto
At kaunting panlulumo
Sa isang nakaraang naisin man
di na mabalikan, ni mabawi man lang.
Sa muling paglalakad
Ibang daigdig
ang sa aki'y tumambad
Iba sa mundong kinikilusang
maingay, magulo,
at batbat ng tunggalian.
Ngunit aking nakita ang bakas
Ng nakaraang pinagmulan —
Mga alaalang
inilagak
sa sulok ng utak
isiniksik sa karimlan upang limutin
Mga alaalang wala nang puwang
Sa panahong
Naisara na
Ang aklat ng kasaysayan.
*Of memories better shelved, of things best left forgotten.
Of times remembered with repent, and the slightest tinge of bitter regret.
Of why some connections are lost and never found.
Of times when ignorance was my bliss.
Mga lumipas na araw
Mga alaalang tinuldukan
Ng aking pagkakamulat —
Mga alaalang dulot ay disgusto
At kaunting panlulumo
Sa isang nakaraang naisin man
di na mabalikan, ni mabawi man lang.
Sa muling paglalakad
Ibang daigdig
ang sa aki'y tumambad
Iba sa mundong kinikilusang
maingay, magulo,
at batbat ng tunggalian.
Ngunit aking nakita ang bakas
Ng nakaraang pinagmulan —
Mga alaalang
inilagak
sa sulok ng utak
isiniksik sa karimlan upang limutin
Mga alaalang wala nang puwang
Sa panahong
Naisara na
Ang aklat ng kasaysayan.
*Of memories better shelved, of things best left forgotten.
Of times remembered with repent, and the slightest tinge of bitter regret.
Of why some connections are lost and never found.
Of times when ignorance was my bliss.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Gone were the days...
I miss being a kid again.
Up until a few moments ago I was scouring the net for game emulators and roms of old 16 and 32-bit games (NES, SNES, SEGA, N64, even GBC and GBA).
Yeah, I used to be a sucker for those games. They weren't the graphics-heavy sort of online and PC games we see today, but they had great gameplay which, unfortunately, is sorely lacking in many games we find today (some PC games are just too repetitive, similar, and lacking in originality). I liked adventures, RPGs, puzzles...but I wasn't much fan of fighting games like Tekken or Street Fighter or X-Men. Now, games like Super Mario were more of my style.
I downloaded all that I could remember like crazy, not because I really wanted to play them again, but because a weird sense of nostalgia overcame me and I suddenly wanted to see them again, have access to them whenever I wanted to.
It's unlikely though that I'd play them again like I used to do. More likely I'd just open them for fun and gaze at the graphics and remember the "good ol' days." After all, it's not really the games I miss, but the memories they bring back.
Most probably I'd scoff at my cheesiness, like now, and then I'd just close the application and move on to doing something else.
Up until a few moments ago I was scouring the net for game emulators and roms of old 16 and 32-bit games (NES, SNES, SEGA, N64, even GBC and GBA).
Yeah, I used to be a sucker for those games. They weren't the graphics-heavy sort of online and PC games we see today, but they had great gameplay which, unfortunately, is sorely lacking in many games we find today (some PC games are just too repetitive, similar, and lacking in originality). I liked adventures, RPGs, puzzles...but I wasn't much fan of fighting games like Tekken or Street Fighter or X-Men. Now, games like Super Mario were more of my style.
I downloaded all that I could remember like crazy, not because I really wanted to play them again, but because a weird sense of nostalgia overcame me and I suddenly wanted to see them again, have access to them whenever I wanted to.
It's unlikely though that I'd play them again like I used to do. More likely I'd just open them for fun and gaze at the graphics and remember the "good ol' days." After all, it's not really the games I miss, but the memories they bring back.
Most probably I'd scoff at my cheesiness, like now, and then I'd just close the application and move on to doing something else.
Friday, February 20, 2009
On "Babangon..."
Tapos na siya, sa wakas. Masasabi kong maayos naman sa kabila ng mga aberya at kahit nahuli kami sa schedule.
Successful naman siya, despite some things. And it's definitely worth the trouble.
Salamat sa lahat ng um-attend. Sana nag-enjoy kayo at na-inform naman kayo tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.
(Bigla tuloy gusto kong um-attend sa Miting de Avance sa Masscomm, 4 to 7 pm naman. For more.)
P.S. May video footages ako para sana maipost din asap para sa mga di nakadalo, pero ang problema, walang FIREWIRE port na available para ma-capture na ang video. Tanga lang talaga. Paumanhin.
Successful naman siya, despite some things. And it's definitely worth the trouble.
Salamat sa lahat ng um-attend. Sana nag-enjoy kayo at na-inform naman kayo tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.
(Bigla tuloy gusto kong um-attend sa Miting de Avance sa Masscomm, 4 to 7 pm naman. For more.)
P.S. May video footages ako para sana maipost din asap para sa mga di nakadalo, pero ang problema, walang FIREWIRE port na available para ma-capture na ang video. Tanga lang talaga. Paumanhin.
Casper
One of these days, magpo-post ako ng pictures ng aming aso. Kapalit ng namatay naming dalmatian, isa namang labrador, si Casper.
Ang kulit niya, gusto ko lang sabihin. Kumbaga sa bata, siya yung may ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Hay. At hindi pa siya gaanong potty-trained (umiihi pa rin siya minsan sa loob ng bahay, pero at least hindi na jumejebs).
Pero at least, may pet therapy na 'ko. Kasi pagdating ko, sinasalubong niya ako at kinukulit.
Nababawasan ang chronic depression ko.
Ang kulit niya, gusto ko lang sabihin. Kumbaga sa bata, siya yung may ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Hay. At hindi pa siya gaanong potty-trained (umiihi pa rin siya minsan sa loob ng bahay, pero at least hindi na jumejebs).
Pero at least, may pet therapy na 'ko. Kasi pagdating ko, sinasalubong niya ako at kinukulit.
Nababawasan ang chronic depression ko.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Babangon ako't dudurugin kita: A 2009 USC elections debate
Magkakaalaman na. Magpapahuli ka ba?The Philippine Collegian, official student publication of the University of the Philippines-Diliman, and Solidaridad, Systemwide Alliance of Student Publications and Writers' Organizations in UP, bring you Babangon Ako't Dudurugin Kita: Debate ng Mga Partido sa 2009 USC Elections, a two-hour debate program for USC electoral candidates this coming Friday, February 20.
Slated to participate in the debate are five candidates each from Alyansa, Kaisa, Stand-UP, and two independent candidates for USC councilorship.
Date: Friday, February 20, 2009
Time: 11:00 am to 1:00 pm
Venue: Palma Hall, PH 400
Punta na!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Fighting another bout of depression*
*It took a lot of effort just to post this entry. I've been psychoanalyzing myself for months. It's high time I get a second opinion. This was written on my way home, slightly edited, and I want to get it out of my system before I start functioning again tonight.
Hindi ko akalaing aabot ako sa puntong ito.
Oo, aaminin kong depressed na naman ata ako. Baka bukas, wala na naman ang pakiramdam na ito. Pero iyon nga ang problema. Pabugso-bugso siya — panandaliang maiibsan pero dagli ring magbabalik makalipas ang ilang araw o linggo.
Pero ngayon, parang umabot sa puntong pagod na akong bumangon. Umabot na sa puntong tila masarap na lang bumitaw, sumuko, magpatalo sa depression, bumigay sa stress. Kanina, habang isinusulat ko ito, tila ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko para maghanap ng solusyon sa sunud-sunod na nagsidatingang mga problemang kailangang ayusin. Masakit sa ulo, medyo nakakabigat din sa loob dahil nandoon na ang expectation ko na papalpak ako at sa huli, sama lang ng loob ang dadalhin sa akin ng mga problemang ito.
"I've been brought down one time too many," 'ika nga nila. Baka ganoon ang kaso ko. Umabot na sa puntong gusto nang magwala ng sistema ko. Overfunctioning, overwork.
Hindi ko alam na may tendency akong maging whiner. Ako kasi yung tipong ayaw ibahagi ang problema sa iba. Ako ang shock absorber, at tila tinanggalan ko na ang sarili ko ng karapatan na maglabas ng sama ng loob, na maglabas ng saloobin. Mas inuuna kong pakinggan, solusyunan ang problema ng iba bago ako. Handang makinig, pero bihirang magkwento. Sa bahay, computer lang ang kadalasang kausap ko. Ang ate ko kasing dati kong hingahan ng sama ng loob, may asawa na ngayon, at nakakahiya namang dumagdag pa ako sa problema niya ngayong may anak na siya. (Shet. Tumutulo na naman ang luha ko. Siguro nga oversensitive ako minsan, overdepressed, over sa lahat, kaya nagma-malfunction na)
Proven ko na ang pet therapy noon, pero namatay nga ang dalmatian namin months ago at napuna kong lumala ang mga instances na nagda-drama ako. After niyang mamatay, nauwi na lang sa pagsusulat ang therapy ko — fanfic, essay, ranting na never kong pinublish o pinabasa kahit kanino — lahat iyan pinatulan ko. Mabuti nga may aso na ulit kami. At least ngayon, may makakausap na ulit ako at mag-work na ulit ang pet therapy bilang pang-alis ng stress at maiwasan ko ang depression. Mukha kasing di na uubra ang self-therapy.
Hangga't maaari, ayokong mang-burden ng iba. Hangga't kaya kong sarilinin, solusyunang mag-isa, ginagawa ko. Feeling ko kasi ang petty lang at ang insensitive ng paghihinga ng sama ng loob mo habang ang mga tao sa paligid mo, may mas malaking problema kaysa sa pagiging perpetually depressed.
Nakalimutan ko nga ba ang sarili ko? Marahil. At alam kong hindi magfa-function ng maayos ang tao kung marami siyang issues, kaya heto ako, nagsusulat ng isang sobrang habang blog entry na malamang, wala rin namang babasa o kung meron man, hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon. Basta, ginagawa ko ito para sa sarili ko.
Siguro nga kailangan ko na ng kausap. May mas dadrama pa ba sa akin? Ewan ko lang. Months ago pa ako unang nakaramdam ng ganito. Lagi ko lang sinasarili.
Bakit ako nagkaganito? Maraming dahilan. Halu-halo na silang lahat. Minsan, tulad kanina sa bus, naiisip kong wala akong kwentang tao. Tipong pagse-self-pity. Pathetic, pero totoo. Kaya nga ayokong nagmamaldita, kadalasan kasi, feeling ko, ako ang guilty party. Ako ang may problema. Lagi kong inaako ang problema. Nagsawa na rin kasi akong mag-defend ng sarili, so, tinatanggap ko na lang lahat, no questions asked, no contentions. Pilit bumabawi, pero minsan, wala nang babawiin.
Baka kasi tama sila. Hindi ako akma rito. Kaya nga kadalasan sukung-suko na ako. Sa puntong ito, hindi na mahalaga kung ginusto kong mapunta rito o hindi. Ang isyu, nandito na ako, marami akong hindi nagawa ng maayos, kasalanan ko. Kaya alam kong wala akong karapatang magmaganda o magmaldita. Hindi lang naman ako ang overworked na tao sa mundo. Ewan kung nagkataon lang, pero napatunayan ko, hindi lang iilang ulit, na "when it rains, it pours." Pwede rin siguro ang "bad luck comes in threes." Ewan, ayoko nang isipin.
Minsan tuloy, naiisip kong mag-iba ng linya. Parang ayoko na kasi kung minsan. At iyon ang hindi ko mapaniwalaan: na umabot na ako sa puntong handa akong iwan at talikdan ang isang bagay na ipinaglaban ko maging sa mga magulang ko noon. Ang bagay na minahal ko, sinusukuan ko na.
Ewan. Sabi ko naman, depressed lang ako. Baka bukas, iba na ulit ang pakiramdam ko.
Pero sa ngayon, pagod na talaga ako. Burnt out, K.O. Kaya heto, pagbigyan ninyo na ang post na ito. Matagal na siguro akong umabot sa sukdulan, pilit ko lang inaalpasan at iniaangat ang sukdulang iyon. Hindi ko alam kung maiaangat ko pa siya pagkatapos nito.
Siguro sa huli, humihingi lang ako ng pang-unawa. Tao lang din naman ako. Nitong huling mga araw, sobrang cranky ko lang. Baka ito na ang resulta ng matagalang pagkababad ko sa stress na nagdulot na nga ng chronic depression sa akin. Sa mga nasinghalan ko, nasigawan, naaway, lahat na, siguro paraan ito ng pagpapaliwanag kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.
Kung maibabalik ko lang ang mga bagay, baka hindi ako depressed ngayon. Subalit may mga bagay na hindi na maibabalik, naisin ko man. Nangyari na ang nangyari, at sa mga pagkukulang na di napunan, wala na akong masasabi kundi paumanhin. Sa sarili ko at sa lahat ng taong naapektuhan ng pagkawalang-kwenta ko.#
Hindi ko akalaing aabot ako sa puntong ito.
Oo, aaminin kong depressed na naman ata ako. Baka bukas, wala na naman ang pakiramdam na ito. Pero iyon nga ang problema. Pabugso-bugso siya — panandaliang maiibsan pero dagli ring magbabalik makalipas ang ilang araw o linggo.
Pero ngayon, parang umabot sa puntong pagod na akong bumangon. Umabot na sa puntong tila masarap na lang bumitaw, sumuko, magpatalo sa depression, bumigay sa stress. Kanina, habang isinusulat ko ito, tila ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko para maghanap ng solusyon sa sunud-sunod na nagsidatingang mga problemang kailangang ayusin. Masakit sa ulo, medyo nakakabigat din sa loob dahil nandoon na ang expectation ko na papalpak ako at sa huli, sama lang ng loob ang dadalhin sa akin ng mga problemang ito.
"I've been brought down one time too many," 'ika nga nila. Baka ganoon ang kaso ko. Umabot na sa puntong gusto nang magwala ng sistema ko. Overfunctioning, overwork.
Hindi ko alam na may tendency akong maging whiner. Ako kasi yung tipong ayaw ibahagi ang problema sa iba. Ako ang shock absorber, at tila tinanggalan ko na ang sarili ko ng karapatan na maglabas ng sama ng loob, na maglabas ng saloobin. Mas inuuna kong pakinggan, solusyunan ang problema ng iba bago ako. Handang makinig, pero bihirang magkwento. Sa bahay, computer lang ang kadalasang kausap ko. Ang ate ko kasing dati kong hingahan ng sama ng loob, may asawa na ngayon, at nakakahiya namang dumagdag pa ako sa problema niya ngayong may anak na siya. (Shet. Tumutulo na naman ang luha ko. Siguro nga oversensitive ako minsan, overdepressed, over sa lahat, kaya nagma-malfunction na)
Proven ko na ang pet therapy noon, pero namatay nga ang dalmatian namin months ago at napuna kong lumala ang mga instances na nagda-drama ako. After niyang mamatay, nauwi na lang sa pagsusulat ang therapy ko — fanfic, essay, ranting na never kong pinublish o pinabasa kahit kanino — lahat iyan pinatulan ko. Mabuti nga may aso na ulit kami. At least ngayon, may makakausap na ulit ako at mag-work na ulit ang pet therapy bilang pang-alis ng stress at maiwasan ko ang depression. Mukha kasing di na uubra ang self-therapy.
Hangga't maaari, ayokong mang-burden ng iba. Hangga't kaya kong sarilinin, solusyunang mag-isa, ginagawa ko. Feeling ko kasi ang petty lang at ang insensitive ng paghihinga ng sama ng loob mo habang ang mga tao sa paligid mo, may mas malaking problema kaysa sa pagiging perpetually depressed.
Nakalimutan ko nga ba ang sarili ko? Marahil. At alam kong hindi magfa-function ng maayos ang tao kung marami siyang issues, kaya heto ako, nagsusulat ng isang sobrang habang blog entry na malamang, wala rin namang babasa o kung meron man, hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon. Basta, ginagawa ko ito para sa sarili ko.
Siguro nga kailangan ko na ng kausap. May mas dadrama pa ba sa akin? Ewan ko lang. Months ago pa ako unang nakaramdam ng ganito. Lagi ko lang sinasarili.
Bakit ako nagkaganito? Maraming dahilan. Halu-halo na silang lahat. Minsan, tulad kanina sa bus, naiisip kong wala akong kwentang tao. Tipong pagse-self-pity. Pathetic, pero totoo. Kaya nga ayokong nagmamaldita, kadalasan kasi, feeling ko, ako ang guilty party. Ako ang may problema. Lagi kong inaako ang problema. Nagsawa na rin kasi akong mag-defend ng sarili, so, tinatanggap ko na lang lahat, no questions asked, no contentions. Pilit bumabawi, pero minsan, wala nang babawiin.
Baka kasi tama sila. Hindi ako akma rito. Kaya nga kadalasan sukung-suko na ako. Sa puntong ito, hindi na mahalaga kung ginusto kong mapunta rito o hindi. Ang isyu, nandito na ako, marami akong hindi nagawa ng maayos, kasalanan ko. Kaya alam kong wala akong karapatang magmaganda o magmaldita. Hindi lang naman ako ang overworked na tao sa mundo. Ewan kung nagkataon lang, pero napatunayan ko, hindi lang iilang ulit, na "when it rains, it pours." Pwede rin siguro ang "bad luck comes in threes." Ewan, ayoko nang isipin.
Minsan tuloy, naiisip kong mag-iba ng linya. Parang ayoko na kasi kung minsan. At iyon ang hindi ko mapaniwalaan: na umabot na ako sa puntong handa akong iwan at talikdan ang isang bagay na ipinaglaban ko maging sa mga magulang ko noon. Ang bagay na minahal ko, sinusukuan ko na.
Ewan. Sabi ko naman, depressed lang ako. Baka bukas, iba na ulit ang pakiramdam ko.
Pero sa ngayon, pagod na talaga ako. Burnt out, K.O. Kaya heto, pagbigyan ninyo na ang post na ito. Matagal na siguro akong umabot sa sukdulan, pilit ko lang inaalpasan at iniaangat ang sukdulang iyon. Hindi ko alam kung maiaangat ko pa siya pagkatapos nito.
Siguro sa huli, humihingi lang ako ng pang-unawa. Tao lang din naman ako. Nitong huling mga araw, sobrang cranky ko lang. Baka ito na ang resulta ng matagalang pagkababad ko sa stress na nagdulot na nga ng chronic depression sa akin. Sa mga nasinghalan ko, nasigawan, naaway, lahat na, siguro paraan ito ng pagpapaliwanag kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.
Kung maibabalik ko lang ang mga bagay, baka hindi ako depressed ngayon. Subalit may mga bagay na hindi na maibabalik, naisin ko man. Nangyari na ang nangyari, at sa mga pagkukulang na di napunan, wala na akong masasabi kundi paumanhin. Sa sarili ko at sa lahat ng taong naapektuhan ng pagkawalang-kwenta ko.#
Monday, February 16, 2009
On TRC
Sorry, I just need to post this...uh...post.
I just thought about it. I think Clow is just Acid Tokyo's future, but it can't be xxxHolic Tokyo's future because two Sakuras cannot exist in the same dimension... I mean, Clow Princess is CCSakura's self in that dimension. So, it makes better sense that it is only Clow and Acid Tokyo which shares the same identity. Hmm...
I just thought about it. I think Clow is just Acid Tokyo's future, but it can't be xxxHolic Tokyo's future because two Sakuras cannot exist in the same dimension... I mean, Clow Princess is CCSakura's self in that dimension. So, it makes better sense that it is only Clow and Acid Tokyo which shares the same identity. Hmm...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
(Untitled)
*Pfft. February 14 - Valentine's aka "Singleness awareness day" is here.
*February 14 never meant anything to me except that I never had classes on this day in high school, because it's Valenzuela Day.
And, oh. The few times February 14 was celebrated in elementary school were awkward affairs I'd rather forget.
P.S. I think I should write a chapter for my stories for the readers' sake. But I doubt I have the time.
*February 14 never meant anything to me except that I never had classes on this day in high school, because it's Valenzuela Day.
And, oh. The few times February 14 was celebrated in elementary school were awkward affairs I'd rather forget.
P.S. I think I should write a chapter for my stories for the readers' sake. But I doubt I have the time.
Friday, February 13, 2009
FF urge
I want to write another chapter in one of my fanfics. Maybe next week. Or maybe come March.#
Dreams*
I think a lot. I could lie in bed for hours without sleeping a wink, just letting my thoughts roam elsewhere.
At first I think of the things that need to be done. I'd toss and turn in my bed, and in the end the obsessive-compulsive in me wins and I get up, make a to-do list before I'd finally get a good night's (or morning's) sleep.
Sometimes panic overcomes me and I worry for several moments. But worrying is one of the things I hate to do, so I usually end up saying "To hell with it," or the perpetual "Bahala na," and close my eyes and pretend to sleep.
Other times I think of stories, of fiction I have long extracted from the recesses of my mind. I try to find ways to make the plot flow, or tweak it here and there until I have successfully twisted it the way I wanted to. Most of the time I just give up — it's just my way of unwinding, of escaping, to keep my mind off things. Darker things. Things I didn't want to be bothered with before I go to sleep, things I was afraid would give me nightmares if I dwelled on them long enough.
Perhaps you could call it cowardice on my part. Or maybe I was just feeling out of touch, or mayhap floating a bit. The thing is, everything I believed in, everything I continue to fight for, has somewhat become an abstraction recently, that I'm feeling the need to connect with reality again. And yes, I'm beginning to fear the frustration, the feeling of entrapment, the lack of practice that should come with the theory. And as such, I don't dwell on things I don't see, avoid analyzing things beyond my realm.
And I hate myself for it.
I understand what I am doing — at least for the most part. But I don't think that's enough. I fear that one day I would revert to my old self; the dreamer who couldn't do anything, the pretend-realist who was out of touch with herself.
Maybe it's the reason why I don't dream anymore. No fairy tale romances, no dream job, no prospects for the future.
I only have a year to go before I officially leave the academe, and still, I continue trudging on with uncertainty. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing in my course, except for the fact that I don’t know what other course I could have taken, and the fact that I like to finish what I started. My relationship with my major is pretty much a messy mix of love-hate. Some parts I really like doing and some subjects I think are worth taking, while others I’d rather do without and are practically useless in my viewpoint.
One year to go and I still don't know where I'm going to work, or if I'd even be able to practice my profession in the future. I do know that someday I might get around to getting another degree (or not), because I’d really like to teach. But other than that, everything else is abstract.
I'm putting off a lot of things, thinking that one year is long enough to figure things out. I refuse to think in the long-term, trying only to solve the here and now before moving on to other concerns.
I say I don't dream anymore. But the truth is that I just refuse to realize the dreams that have pervaded my thoughts now in exchange of fairy tales and high-paying jobs. While I already know and accept that I probably won't end up working in some high-profile media company, that I just might never experience having a large salary, I still could not make peace with the person I have become.
For all the firmness of my beliefs, and for all the waking hours I spent in thinking and enacting these beliefs, I couldn't overcome certain contradictions in my life. So I surmise I still have a lot to learn.
I know that someday, all these decisions I couldn't make would someday crash down on me. And it would be my fault. Before the deadline comes, I hope to finally see where I'm headed. And I hope, by that time, my dreams will become clear, and that I would be able to enact on them.
*The first draft of my column which appeared on the Philippine Collegian issue number 23.
At first I think of the things that need to be done. I'd toss and turn in my bed, and in the end the obsessive-compulsive in me wins and I get up, make a to-do list before I'd finally get a good night's (or morning's) sleep.
Sometimes panic overcomes me and I worry for several moments. But worrying is one of the things I hate to do, so I usually end up saying "To hell with it," or the perpetual "Bahala na," and close my eyes and pretend to sleep.
Other times I think of stories, of fiction I have long extracted from the recesses of my mind. I try to find ways to make the plot flow, or tweak it here and there until I have successfully twisted it the way I wanted to. Most of the time I just give up — it's just my way of unwinding, of escaping, to keep my mind off things. Darker things. Things I didn't want to be bothered with before I go to sleep, things I was afraid would give me nightmares if I dwelled on them long enough.
Perhaps you could call it cowardice on my part. Or maybe I was just feeling out of touch, or mayhap floating a bit. The thing is, everything I believed in, everything I continue to fight for, has somewhat become an abstraction recently, that I'm feeling the need to connect with reality again. And yes, I'm beginning to fear the frustration, the feeling of entrapment, the lack of practice that should come with the theory. And as such, I don't dwell on things I don't see, avoid analyzing things beyond my realm.
And I hate myself for it.
I understand what I am doing — at least for the most part. But I don't think that's enough. I fear that one day I would revert to my old self; the dreamer who couldn't do anything, the pretend-realist who was out of touch with herself.
Maybe it's the reason why I don't dream anymore. No fairy tale romances, no dream job, no prospects for the future.
I only have a year to go before I officially leave the academe, and still, I continue trudging on with uncertainty. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing in my course, except for the fact that I don’t know what other course I could have taken, and the fact that I like to finish what I started. My relationship with my major is pretty much a messy mix of love-hate. Some parts I really like doing and some subjects I think are worth taking, while others I’d rather do without and are practically useless in my viewpoint.
One year to go and I still don't know where I'm going to work, or if I'd even be able to practice my profession in the future. I do know that someday I might get around to getting another degree (or not), because I’d really like to teach. But other than that, everything else is abstract.
I'm putting off a lot of things, thinking that one year is long enough to figure things out. I refuse to think in the long-term, trying only to solve the here and now before moving on to other concerns.
I say I don't dream anymore. But the truth is that I just refuse to realize the dreams that have pervaded my thoughts now in exchange of fairy tales and high-paying jobs. While I already know and accept that I probably won't end up working in some high-profile media company, that I just might never experience having a large salary, I still could not make peace with the person I have become.
For all the firmness of my beliefs, and for all the waking hours I spent in thinking and enacting these beliefs, I couldn't overcome certain contradictions in my life. So I surmise I still have a lot to learn.
I know that someday, all these decisions I couldn't make would someday crash down on me. And it would be my fault. Before the deadline comes, I hope to finally see where I'm headed. And I hope, by that time, my dreams will become clear, and that I would be able to enact on them.
*The first draft of my column which appeared on the Philippine Collegian issue number 23.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Limbo
I was sitting there in a corner of a corridor here in CMC, trying not to feel depressed, again. Well, it crops up every now and then, and I'm kinda getting used to the misery. I wonder if a part of me is turning emo. Is it possible for me to have acquired some chronic depression thingy? Because I know that sometimes it makes no sense anymore, this feeling of confusion and discontent I have. It's not like I'm lacking in friends. But still, I end up perpetually depressed.
Maybe I just need to open up some more and get past this strange fear of rejection if I became honest for once and tried to talk about petty but nonetheless important things like my feelings. But then, I grew up this way. Emotions — talking about them, displaying them — make me feel uncomfortable, very uncomfortable indeed. Without the capacity to display my emotions, I thought that feelings were the ultimate human weakness.
As such, I somehow ended up an emotional wreck. Seemingly tough out, but very fragile inside. My self-esteem sucks a lot, too, even though I thought I have long made peace with who I am.
I hate this. I'm sick of pasting a smile on my face and trying to cheer somebody else up when inside, I'm a wretched emotional wreck. I don't want to try and meet someone else's expectations in exchange for my own.
Here I am, overrationalizing things again to the extent of letting myself feel like complete crap, taking all the blame in the world and leaving nothing for the rest. It sure sucks when I end up talking to myself, whipping myself to shape like I have no one else to talk to. I feel like I need to go to a psychiatrist, just so I can have someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings. I do know this isn't healthy anymore. And I know I'm being liberal and all, but I just need to let this out for now. Bottling it all up isn't healthy, I know as much.
Or maybe I'm just a trifle too overworked, again. I haven't the time to relax for myself anymore.
Just the same...
*Sorry To Myself*
(excerpts from Alanis Morissette's song)
For hearing all my doubts so selectively...
For beating myself up and over functioning...
For my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional...
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
**So, okay. Back to that scene here in CMC earlier. I concocted a little something, thus the title of this post, "Limbo." (Which, upon my rationalization, always ends up as the answer to what is troubling me)
Limbo:
- a state of confusion, a state of nothingness.
- being caught between intersecting, clashing worlds and not knowing where to go.
- the inability to choose, to take the necessary step forward; wandering on aimlessly.
- a sorry state of being, a depressing state of mind.
- a result of escaping contradictions instead of facing them head on and resolving them.
- losing the sense of time, losing touch with reality and people.
- a feeling of being alone, without a sense of truly belonging.
- a result of being burdened with emotional issues, a lack of self-esteem. Low emotional quotient, perhaps.
Limbo. Belonging everywhere and yet nowhere.
Limbo. It's worse than hell. Swinging in many directions, but never making that leap and making a choice.
Limbo.
Trust me, you don't want to be stuck here.###
Maybe I just need to open up some more and get past this strange fear of rejection if I became honest for once and tried to talk about petty but nonetheless important things like my feelings. But then, I grew up this way. Emotions — talking about them, displaying them — make me feel uncomfortable, very uncomfortable indeed. Without the capacity to display my emotions, I thought that feelings were the ultimate human weakness.
As such, I somehow ended up an emotional wreck. Seemingly tough out, but very fragile inside. My self-esteem sucks a lot, too, even though I thought I have long made peace with who I am.
I hate this. I'm sick of pasting a smile on my face and trying to cheer somebody else up when inside, I'm a wretched emotional wreck. I don't want to try and meet someone else's expectations in exchange for my own.
Here I am, overrationalizing things again to the extent of letting myself feel like complete crap, taking all the blame in the world and leaving nothing for the rest. It sure sucks when I end up talking to myself, whipping myself to shape like I have no one else to talk to. I feel like I need to go to a psychiatrist, just so I can have someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings. I do know this isn't healthy anymore. And I know I'm being liberal and all, but I just need to let this out for now. Bottling it all up isn't healthy, I know as much.
Or maybe I'm just a trifle too overworked, again. I haven't the time to relax for myself anymore.
Just the same...
*Sorry To Myself*
(excerpts from Alanis Morissette's song)
For hearing all my doubts so selectively...
For beating myself up and over functioning...
For my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional...
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
**So, okay. Back to that scene here in CMC earlier. I concocted a little something, thus the title of this post, "Limbo." (Which, upon my rationalization, always ends up as the answer to what is troubling me)
Limbo:
- a state of confusion, a state of nothingness.
- being caught between intersecting, clashing worlds and not knowing where to go.
- the inability to choose, to take the necessary step forward; wandering on aimlessly.
- a sorry state of being, a depressing state of mind.
- a result of escaping contradictions instead of facing them head on and resolving them.
- losing the sense of time, losing touch with reality and people.
- a feeling of being alone, without a sense of truly belonging.
- a result of being burdened with emotional issues, a lack of self-esteem. Low emotional quotient, perhaps.
Limbo. Belonging everywhere and yet nowhere.
Limbo. It's worse than hell. Swinging in many directions, but never making that leap and making a choice.
Limbo.
Trust me, you don't want to be stuck here.###
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Re: MYTHBUSTERS (on the SR REFERENDUM)
I received this message from a classmate through a class ygroup, and I replied to clear up some "myths" they apparently "busted". I just want to question some things they mentioned here and help explain things to you if you have received a similar email.
Here is the complete excerpt, and my reply follows each "myth".
Just to be clear, I am not doing this because I am favoring any political ticket. I think it should be made clear that the SR Referendum is a STUDENT ISSUE. It has nothing to do with what political party we are supporting. There shouldn't be a divide among us, not when student representation on the highest policy making body of the university is at stake. (I know the election's drawing near and everything, but you [and the authors of this mythbusters thingy] should realize that the SR referendum hasn't anything to do with that)
Myth # 1: The question in the upcoming referendum is "Do you still want student representation in the Board of Regents?".
Observation: The Student Regent herself, in a statement released last January 16, stated that the one and only question in the upcoming referendum will be: "Do you approve of the existing Codified Rules on Student Regent Selection (CRSRS) as rules and qualifications to govern the selection of our student regent to the UP Board of Regents?" [Yes] or [No]
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 1: I never knew that there were rumors circulating about what the question will be, but right now, I think the question is pretty much final. And there is a rationale why it is the question decided upon by the OSR.
Myth #2: The Office of the Student Regent will be abolished if the NO vote wins in the upcoming referendum.
Observation: The upcoming referendum may only have an effect on the rules that we use in selecting the Student Regent. In no way may a vote of NO by us in the referendum abolish the said office – a position created by law and which may only be abolished by a subsequent law.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 2: Yes, the OSR will not be abolished. But the question is, will there be a regent to hold office? So, what will we do when the referendum fails? Do we ask Shan to stay until we can draft a new set of rules? She can only possibly hold office as SR as long as she's a student, but what happens when she's no longer a student and the rules are still not final?
Myth #3: The students will never have a CRSRS (Codified Rules on Student Regent Selection) if the NO vote wins.
Observation: The UP Charter (sec. 12 [1.g.]) specifically states that the Student Regent shall be chosen by the students in accordance with the rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students. Nothing in the law states that a vote of NO will bar any rules for selecting the SR from being set. A NO vote is a edict by the students that they reject the old CRSRS as the rules in selecting the SR, and therefore is a command that a new one must be proposed before them for their approval.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 3: There was never a claim that there will be no CRSRS if "NO" wins. However, it certainly puts a lot of uncertainty to the selection process itself. For one, the proposal of certain parties for "NO with amendments" is practically impossible. Why? If students already reject the old set of rules by saying no, how can they move to amend it? What will probably happen if "NO" wins is that, we will draft a new CRSRS which will, again, be subject to a new referendum. There can be no new student regent until this new set of rules are approved. If "YES" wins, meanwhile, the student regent selection will take place this year and we will elect a new regent. Then, by October, the General Assembly of Student Councils (GASC) may propose the very amendments that they are requesting in their call for "NO with amendments." Isn't it more logical to say yes now and propose amendments afterward, instead of saying no with all the uncertainties of what may happen if no wins (e.g., new rules subject to referendum, admin intervention, no student regent)?
Myth #4: There will no longer be any Student Regent if the NO vote wins.
Observation: We again look at the law. The UP Charter (sec. 12 [1]) states that the Board of Regents shall be composed of, among others, one Student Regent. By law (Lecaroz v. Sandiganbayan) a public officer is entitled to stay in office until his (or her) successor is chosen and has qualified. In other words, the current Student Regent may temporarily hold over her position until her successor is selected through a legitimate set of rules.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 4: As I've already said, yes, the current SR may indeed hold over the position. But what if she's no longer legible for the position [i.e. she's no longer a student]? Who will take over while the rules are still being drafted? And that's where the danger comes in, since the whole process of drafting a new set of rules will invariably be time-consuming (it will, again, be subject to a referendum), that we are not sure if Shan will still be around by the time a new set of rules are established. And without the CRSRS (new or not), we have no official mechanism to select a new regent.
Myth #5: Assuming that the NO vote wins, if the current Student Regent graduates or resigns from her post, it will be the administration who will select her successor. Our independent representation in the BOR is in danger from attacks through admin-intervention.
Observation: Let us quote Section 12 (1 [g]) of the UP Charter: "One Student Regent, to serve for a term of one (1) year, chosen by the students from their ranks in accordance with rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students;" There is no question that the law mandates that only the students may choose the Student Regent. Any act by the administration to appoint the SR will surely be annulled by the court due to it being contrary to law.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 5: "One Student Regent, to serve for a term of one (1) year, chosen by the students from their ranks in accordance with rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students;" the charter says. But since the rules will be discarded if "NO" wins, who could say what would happen? We might say that the chances of the administration appointing a regent is pretty slim, but there is still a possibility that there will be no regent until the new rules are finalized if the "NO" vote wins.
Myth #6: We will have no Student Regent to represent us if the NO vote wins and the current Student Regent eventually graduates or resigns because the process to select the SR has been rejected by the students. No rules = no process = no Student Regent shall be selected.
Observation: The UP Charter has also given us a remedy for this situation. Section 12, paragraph 2 of the said Charter states that in case of vacancy, such shall be filled in the same manner as provided for her predecessor. In as much as the current Student Regent may temporarily hold-over her post until her successor has been selected through a valid set of rules, the current CRSRS may also be temporarily retained as the rules to select a temporary Student Regent until an official one has been selected through a legal set of rules.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 6: Sure, you can do that. But isn't that hypocritical—using a set of rules which have already been rejected by the students (if, again, NO wins)? So what's the point of rejecting a set of rules you are willing to use in case of emergency? Why not just say yes and move for amendments later?
Myth #7: The councils failed to recommend their amendments on time. The deadline for filing amendments is set by the CRSRS on the first day of October. No proposals were given to the OSR before such date.
Observation: It may be true that the first day of October is indeed the deadline for submitting proposed amendments under the old CRSRS. However, we must also take the following into consideration:
a. The practice for the past ten years is for the GASC to convene twice annually: once in October to approve the CRSRS (and any amendments proposed thereto) and again in December to select the SR by implementing the rules approved during the October session. The wisdom behind setting the October 1 deadline, therefore, must have been to ensure that all proposals are submitted before the October GASC session. For everyone's information, the October 2008 GASC was unilaterally cancelled by the SR due to the upcoming referendum.
b. The Student Regent circulated letters to the local student councils indicating her intention to visit each one of them from October until December, to consult on what must be done in the referendum. It is not difficult to imagine that any rational student council at that point believed that the SR's agenda at that time, among others, must have been to seek suggestions on the probable referendum question. Considering that the at the SR's scheduled consultations with the said councils the October 1 deadline would have already lapsed, one may logical infer that the October 1 deadline must have been also suspended together with the October GASC session.
c. Article V, section 1 of the CRSRS mandates the SR to inform all student councils, through official memo, of all pertinent information vital to the process of selecting the Regent. A new law was passed commanding that the rules for selecting the SR must be passed in a referendum. A rational SR must have concluded then that the councils are in a state of limbo on how to go about selecting the said rules. The presumption of regularity has been shattered. Yet, despite this state, the SR still failed to inform the student councils that the October 1 deadline still stands.
Status: Plausible.
Here is the complete excerpt, and my reply follows each "myth".
Just to be clear, I am not doing this because I am favoring any political ticket. I think it should be made clear that the SR Referendum is a STUDENT ISSUE. It has nothing to do with what political party we are supporting. There shouldn't be a divide among us, not when student representation on the highest policy making body of the university is at stake. (I know the election's drawing near and everything, but you [and the authors of this mythbusters thingy] should realize that the SR referendum hasn't anything to do with that)
MYTHBUSTERS
Myth # 1: The question in the upcoming referendum is "Do you still want student representation in the Board of Regents?".
Observation: The Student Regent herself, in a statement released last January 16, stated that the one and only question in the upcoming referendum will be: "Do you approve of the existing Codified Rules on Student Regent Selection (CRSRS) as rules and qualifications to govern the selection of our student regent to the UP Board of Regents?" [Yes] or [No]
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 1: I never knew that there were rumors circulating about what the question will be, but right now, I think the question is pretty much final. And there is a rationale why it is the question decided upon by the OSR.
Myth #2: The Office of the Student Regent will be abolished if the NO vote wins in the upcoming referendum.
Observation: The upcoming referendum may only have an effect on the rules that we use in selecting the Student Regent. In no way may a vote of NO by us in the referendum abolish the said office – a position created by law and which may only be abolished by a subsequent law.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 2: Yes, the OSR will not be abolished. But the question is, will there be a regent to hold office? So, what will we do when the referendum fails? Do we ask Shan to stay until we can draft a new set of rules? She can only possibly hold office as SR as long as she's a student, but what happens when she's no longer a student and the rules are still not final?
Myth #3: The students will never have a CRSRS (Codified Rules on Student Regent Selection) if the NO vote wins.
Observation: The UP Charter (sec. 12 [1.g.]) specifically states that the Student Regent shall be chosen by the students in accordance with the rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students. Nothing in the law states that a vote of NO will bar any rules for selecting the SR from being set. A NO vote is a edict by the students that they reject the old CRSRS as the rules in selecting the SR, and therefore is a command that a new one must be proposed before them for their approval.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 3: There was never a claim that there will be no CRSRS if "NO" wins. However, it certainly puts a lot of uncertainty to the selection process itself. For one, the proposal of certain parties for "NO with amendments" is practically impossible. Why? If students already reject the old set of rules by saying no, how can they move to amend it? What will probably happen if "NO" wins is that, we will draft a new CRSRS which will, again, be subject to a new referendum. There can be no new student regent until this new set of rules are approved. If "YES" wins, meanwhile, the student regent selection will take place this year and we will elect a new regent. Then, by October, the General Assembly of Student Councils (GASC) may propose the very amendments that they are requesting in their call for "NO with amendments." Isn't it more logical to say yes now and propose amendments afterward, instead of saying no with all the uncertainties of what may happen if no wins (e.g., new rules subject to referendum, admin intervention, no student regent)?
Myth #4: There will no longer be any Student Regent if the NO vote wins.
Observation: We again look at the law. The UP Charter (sec. 12 [1]) states that the Board of Regents shall be composed of, among others, one Student Regent. By law (Lecaroz v. Sandiganbayan) a public officer is entitled to stay in office until his (or her) successor is chosen and has qualified. In other words, the current Student Regent may temporarily hold over her position until her successor is selected through a legitimate set of rules.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 4: As I've already said, yes, the current SR may indeed hold over the position. But what if she's no longer legible for the position [i.e. she's no longer a student]? Who will take over while the rules are still being drafted? And that's where the danger comes in, since the whole process of drafting a new set of rules will invariably be time-consuming (it will, again, be subject to a referendum), that we are not sure if Shan will still be around by the time a new set of rules are established. And without the CRSRS (new or not), we have no official mechanism to select a new regent.
Myth #5: Assuming that the NO vote wins, if the current Student Regent graduates or resigns from her post, it will be the administration who will select her successor. Our independent representation in the BOR is in danger from attacks through admin-intervention.
Observation: Let us quote Section 12 (1 [g]) of the UP Charter: "One Student Regent, to serve for a term of one (1) year, chosen by the students from their ranks in accordance with rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students;" There is no question that the law mandates that only the students may choose the Student Regent. Any act by the administration to appoint the SR will surely be annulled by the court due to it being contrary to law.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 5: "One Student Regent, to serve for a term of one (1) year, chosen by the students from their ranks in accordance with rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students;" the charter says. But since the rules will be discarded if "NO" wins, who could say what would happen? We might say that the chances of the administration appointing a regent is pretty slim, but there is still a possibility that there will be no regent until the new rules are finalized if the "NO" vote wins.
Myth #6: We will have no Student Regent to represent us if the NO vote wins and the current Student Regent eventually graduates or resigns because the process to select the SR has been rejected by the students. No rules = no process = no Student Regent shall be selected.
Observation: The UP Charter has also given us a remedy for this situation. Section 12, paragraph 2 of the said Charter states that in case of vacancy, such shall be filled in the same manner as provided for her predecessor. In as much as the current Student Regent may temporarily hold-over her post until her successor has been selected through a valid set of rules, the current CRSRS may also be temporarily retained as the rules to select a temporary Student Regent until an official one has been selected through a legal set of rules.
Status: Busted.
On "Myth" # 6: Sure, you can do that. But isn't that hypocritical—using a set of rules which have already been rejected by the students (if, again, NO wins)? So what's the point of rejecting a set of rules you are willing to use in case of emergency? Why not just say yes and move for amendments later?
Myth #7: The councils failed to recommend their amendments on time. The deadline for filing amendments is set by the CRSRS on the first day of October. No proposals were given to the OSR before such date.
Observation: It may be true that the first day of October is indeed the deadline for submitting proposed amendments under the old CRSRS. However, we must also take the following into consideration:
a. The practice for the past ten years is for the GASC to convene twice annually: once in October to approve the CRSRS (and any amendments proposed thereto) and again in December to select the SR by implementing the rules approved during the October session. The wisdom behind setting the October 1 deadline, therefore, must have been to ensure that all proposals are submitted before the October GASC session. For everyone's information, the October 2008 GASC was unilaterally cancelled by the SR due to the upcoming referendum.
b. The Student Regent circulated letters to the local student councils indicating her intention to visit each one of them from October until December, to consult on what must be done in the referendum. It is not difficult to imagine that any rational student council at that point believed that the SR's agenda at that time, among others, must have been to seek suggestions on the probable referendum question. Considering that the at the SR's scheduled consultations with the said councils the October 1 deadline would have already lapsed, one may logical infer that the October 1 deadline must have been also suspended together with the October GASC session.
c. Article V, section 1 of the CRSRS mandates the SR to inform all student councils, through official memo, of all pertinent information vital to the process of selecting the Regent. A new law was passed commanding that the rules for selecting the SR must be passed in a referendum. A rational SR must have concluded then that the councils are in a state of limbo on how to go about selecting the said rules. The presumption of regularity has been shattered. Yet, despite this state, the SR still failed to inform the student councils that the October 1 deadline still stands.
Status: Plausible.
On "Myth" # 7: I don't think the SR alone should be blamed for the fact that the GASC meet in October failed to materialize. The new Charter has indeed thrown student institutions in limbo. But had the meeting/deadline for amendments happened, would it have made any difference? (As far as I know, the amendments being proposed by several groups now has been presented over and over again in the GASC in the past, but they never were approved.) Does this justify your decision to vote no and try to railroad the amendments you have failed to enact in the past (I won't even dwell on the ludicrity of the amendments being proposed)?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Idle hands are the "devil's" work. I think I believe it
I haven't done anything for my academics. I feel so idle, so wasted this weekend. The last two weeks had been pure hell, with me working on my schoolwork several hours before each deadline. It sucked. Big-time. But I find I miss the workload.
So far, I have re-read three novels (or was it four?), translated the titles of my stories to Japanese (plus the Romaji transliteration) and three other European languages, read another chapter of TRC and Adarushan no Hanayome (why I follow the latter escapes me), placed new hit counters for each of my unheard-of blogs (the one you're reading right now), watched the latest fansubbed episode of Daa Daa Daa, downloaded a song I couldn't get out of my head since yesterday, read the same old arguments of C!Syaoran/R!Syaoran loyalists (this time, I'm staying out of the debate — I have decided to just wait and see what CLAMP comes up with; I just hope they DON'T listen to either side and come up with an ending which would please us all. But I think that isn't possible—C!Syaoran fans seem to want bloodshed), transferred several music files to my player, played new games I got hold of today...yeah, I'm definitely the idlest person on Earth today.
It's not like I want to be idle. For one, I can't do what I really want to do because I have little privacy in front of my PC for what I think I should be doing. Meanwhile, I can't put myself to doing the pottery thingy because it's beginning to bore the hell out of me, aside from the fact that I'm already sick of the whole project. I haven't yet read Twilight for class (I'm putting it off for as long as I could). I don't have a program concept yet for my interview program, much less an interviewee (okay, just worked up the guts to ask someone thru text and yes, she accepted! One less work done for me). I need to do an OBB and a CBB for that, too. And I also need to get moving for a music video which remains sorely abstract until now, and the deadline's near, too. And that concept paper for Comm140's one week overdue. And the report, too (I haven't yet read the paper I chose for my topic).
Yeah, and not to mention come February, all hell breaks loose. Darn.
Okay, I was overcome by inspiration that I will end this post and get to work. Here and now.
So far, I have re-read three novels (or was it four?), translated the titles of my stories to Japanese (plus the Romaji transliteration) and three other European languages, read another chapter of TRC and Adarushan no Hanayome (why I follow the latter escapes me), placed new hit counters for each of my unheard-of blogs (the one you're reading right now), watched the latest fansubbed episode of Daa Daa Daa, downloaded a song I couldn't get out of my head since yesterday, read the same old arguments of C!Syaoran/R!Syaoran loyalists (this time, I'm staying out of the debate — I have decided to just wait and see what CLAMP comes up with; I just hope they DON'T listen to either side and come up with an ending which would please us all. But I think that isn't possible—C!Syaoran fans seem to want bloodshed), transferred several music files to my player, played new games I got hold of today...yeah, I'm definitely the idlest person on Earth today.
It's not like I want to be idle. For one, I can't do what I really want to do because I have little privacy in front of my PC for what I think I should be doing. Meanwhile, I can't put myself to doing the pottery thingy because it's beginning to bore the hell out of me, aside from the fact that I'm already sick of the whole project. I haven't yet read Twilight for class (I'm putting it off for as long as I could). I don't have a program concept yet for my interview program, much less an interviewee (okay, just worked up the guts to ask someone thru text and yes, she accepted! One less work done for me). I need to do an OBB and a CBB for that, too. And I also need to get moving for a music video which remains sorely abstract until now, and the deadline's near, too. And that concept paper for Comm140's one week overdue. And the report, too (I haven't yet read the paper I chose for my topic).
Yeah, and not to mention come February, all hell breaks loose. Darn.
Okay, I was overcome by inspiration that I will end this post and get to work. Here and now.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Raving on pop culture and a certain...prof.
I once tried and failed to read the Twilight series. For one, I have never been a huge fan of vampire flicks or literature. For another, I didn't like Stephenie Meyer's writing style. The first few pages bored me to death (or perhaps I was just sleepy at the time, and I didn't give it the benefit of the doubt because I'm not really interested in its story). And so, I didn't join all the hype over Twilight. Then again, I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and in my book, Meyer's style just doesn't compare to Rowling's.
But now it seems that I have no choice. It's now a requirement for my scriptwriting class to not only watch the movie but also to read the book before next Friday. Talk about trying and failing to avoid consuming Twilight media products.
Since the whole point of the exercise is to see the differences in film adaptations and the literature they were adapted from, I think she should give us a choice of which film/literature to read/watch and review. There are lots of those—Harry Potter, for one, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Secret Garden, Secret Window, The Mist, Princess Diaries, War of the Worlds, Devil Wears Prada, Bridget Jones' Diary, (Shopaholic is having a movie as well, right?)...because this is all part of a trend, media convergence.
Ah. I'm ranting because I really don't want to read/watch Twilight. But then, I don't think I can escape this one. As if, with everything that's happening within and outside the walls of UP, I can find the time to stop and consume a bit of pop culture.
*She (my professor) just said something about political economy again. Yes, it's true that the economy determines the culture and politics of a country. But economy isn't determined by the physical technology and innovations we see today—progress isn't defined by bullet trains or the latest gadgets.
In fact, the emerging culture today is that of over-consumption—a result of the surplus economy of the country. We are urged to consume more and more (to wit: cellphones crop out every month or so, urging you to discard your old one for the new one) because corporations are producing more. We are the market for excess products. And we are so saturated with them that soon, they will no longer have a market for their products.
Let's not be brainwashed into believing that the Philippines is progressing just because we are flooded with first-world products, just because "globalization" is giving us an illusion of progress. The Philippines is still a third-world country. 75 percent of the population are considered poor. I can give you facts and figures. We only see a fraction of the scene, and pop culture tends to limit what we see to the middle class (but if you think about it, everyone's in crisis, even middle-class, seemingly problem-free people).
Grr. I don't really like the way she sees things. Subjectivity is passe in my book. It's a shallow way of looking at things. I just hope she doesn't become my thesis adviser. I hope. (Right now I'm worrying about my pre-thesis class because we haven't discussed anything new just yet)
Don't mind me, I'm just ranting. And discoursing a bit.
But now it seems that I have no choice. It's now a requirement for my scriptwriting class to not only watch the movie but also to read the book before next Friday. Talk about trying and failing to avoid consuming Twilight media products.
Since the whole point of the exercise is to see the differences in film adaptations and the literature they were adapted from, I think she should give us a choice of which film/literature to read/watch and review. There are lots of those—Harry Potter, for one, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Secret Garden, Secret Window, The Mist, Princess Diaries, War of the Worlds, Devil Wears Prada, Bridget Jones' Diary, (Shopaholic is having a movie as well, right?)...because this is all part of a trend, media convergence.
Ah. I'm ranting because I really don't want to read/watch Twilight. But then, I don't think I can escape this one. As if, with everything that's happening within and outside the walls of UP, I can find the time to stop and consume a bit of pop culture.
*She (my professor) just said something about political economy again. Yes, it's true that the economy determines the culture and politics of a country. But economy isn't determined by the physical technology and innovations we see today—progress isn't defined by bullet trains or the latest gadgets.
In fact, the emerging culture today is that of over-consumption—a result of the surplus economy of the country. We are urged to consume more and more (to wit: cellphones crop out every month or so, urging you to discard your old one for the new one) because corporations are producing more. We are the market for excess products. And we are so saturated with them that soon, they will no longer have a market for their products.
Let's not be brainwashed into believing that the Philippines is progressing just because we are flooded with first-world products, just because "globalization" is giving us an illusion of progress. The Philippines is still a third-world country. 75 percent of the population are considered poor. I can give you facts and figures. We only see a fraction of the scene, and pop culture tends to limit what we see to the middle class (but if you think about it, everyone's in crisis, even middle-class, seemingly problem-free people).
Grr. I don't really like the way she sees things. Subjectivity is passe in my book. It's a shallow way of looking at things. I just hope she doesn't become my thesis adviser. I hope. (Right now I'm worrying about my pre-thesis class because we haven't discussed anything new just yet)
Don't mind me, I'm just ranting. And discoursing a bit.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Profound passages from The Bluest Eye
Background: I'm reading Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye right now (Nobel Prize for Literature). I liked some insights on several passages about race, class, discrimination, poverty and private property. And I'm going to quote them here.
I hope someday I can write socially relevant stories without romanticizing anyone. Right now I am working on an original fiction which still remains stuck as of present.
The following lines are uttered by the character Claudia, who serves as narrator of the story.
I hope someday I can write socially relevant stories without romanticizing anyone. Right now I am working on an original fiction which still remains stuck as of present.
The following lines are uttered by the character Claudia, who serves as narrator of the story.
"Our peripheral existence, however, was something we learned to deal with — probably because it was abstract. But the concreteness of being outdoors was another matter — like the difference between the concept of death and being, in fact, dead."
"Knowing that there was such a thing as outdoors bred in us a hunger for property, for ownership."
"Adults, older girls, shops, magazines, newspapers, window signs — all the world had agreed that a blue-eyed, yellow-haired, pink-skinned doll was what every girl child wanted."
"When I learned how repulsive this disinterested violence was, that it was repulsive because it was disinterested, my shame floundered about for refuge. The best hiding place was love. Thus the conversion from pristine sadism to fabricated hatred, to fraudulent love."
"I learned much later to worship [Shirley Temple], just as I learned to delight in cleanliness, knowing, even as I learned, that the change was adjustment without improvement."
"We didn't initiate talks with grown-ups; we answered their questions."
Hajime no Ippo Season 2
I'm not a great fan of shounen anime, but I really liked Hajime no Ippo when it aired in the Philippines. In fact I have the fansubbed versions with me, including the movie (which, by the way, I haven't watched yet).I learned that Hajime no Ippo is one of the longest-running manga in Japan. Kind of like Detective Conan in the anime (is it still ongoing?).
And I got a pleasant surprise for fans of the anime because a second season of Hajime no Ippo (Hajime no Ippo: The New Challenge) is currently airing in Japan! :)
Here's the download link for the first episode (I'm not sure if it's already fansubbed or if it is a raw):
http://rapidshare.com/files/181152138/Hajime_No_Ippo_The_New_Challenge_1.avi
And I still wait for TRC and XXXholic. Even Daa Daa Daa. Wait. I better check out if the scans are out now. (they're not. Grr.)
That's all for now.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Fanfiction Updates... and an explanation
I just realized that 10 or more of my fics have not been updated. Some date back to a few months ago, while some date back 2007. 2-0-0-7. And it's 2009 now.
But I'd just like to clarify that those stories, unless otherwise specified, are NOT ON HIATUS.
"Slow doesn't mean dropped," a fansubbing group said. I can say the same. I'll update them as soon as I can.
If you're rooting for a story to be updated, please tell me through email, FFNet's IM service, or through this post. You can ping me on YM as well. Just let me know.
And if you're annoyed at me or anything, you can message me as well. But let me tell you this: annoyance will get you nowhere with me. My time to write FF stories is a bit limited, especially now that school will interfere once more. It's just a hobby which takes my mind off things.
But believe me, I'm doing my best to update quickly. In fact, right now, I should be worrying about a demo production, a product concept and two videos to edit and instead I'm doing this entry.
Here's the list of stories, according to level of priority:
RECENTLY UPDATED FICS:
When Love and Hate Collide - Eriol x Tomoyo, 3 chapters, ongoing. (Sequel to Everything You Want)
Catch Me If You Can - Sakura x Syaoran, 5 chapters, ongoing.
Sweet Deception - (My current pet story) Sakura x Syaoran, Eriol x Tomoyo, Meiling x Touya, 13 chapters, ongoing.
FICS WHICH ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE UPDATED SOON, EXCEPT FOR THOSE ABOVE:
My Happy Ending - Touya x Meiling, 6 chapters, ongoing. (Sequel to My Husband's Wedding)
Memories - Sakura x Syaoran, 9 chapters, ongoing.
Gangster's Paradise - Sakura x Syaoran mostly, 9 chapters, ongoing.
STORIES ON THE BACKSEAT (NOT FORGOTTEN) AT PRESENT, BUT WILL BE UPDATED:
CCS:
Finding Love
Stolen Moments
Chasing After Love
Of Hearts and Symphonies: A CCS Songfic Collection
Beloved Enemy
Cold Fire
Daa! Daa! Daa!
The Untold Love Story
Oneshot Romance Collection
FMP!
I Guess That's Love, Sore Ga Ai Deshou (Filipino language)
STORIES CURRENTLY ON HIATUS, OFFICIALLY:
Fated (CCS)
COMPLETED STORIES:
My Husband's Wedding
Everything You Want
STORY PLAN (TO BE UPLOADED SOON):
The Making of My Husband's Wedding: A Parody (Refer to my FFnet profile for an excerpt)
A STORY I LONG WANTED TO WRITE BUT STILL NOT EXECUTED:
When Summer Ends (Again, refer to my FFnet profile for the synopsis)
Feel free to contact me about them. IM, email, comment, YM. You can curse, you can request, you can ask. You can even suggest if you want me to write another story or oneshot (or if one of the unwritten stories in my profile caught your eye). Anything. You can chat with me for ideas.
By the way, I'm still open for beta reading, so you can also contact me about that. Preferably the fandoms I frequent, plus Harry Potter perhaps.
Just don't be too abusive in your messages, or I'll definitely retaliate.
And lastly, my gratitude for reading this post, for still watching out for an update on my fics. Just for being there, reading and (for some) reviewing my fics. You don't know just how much your support uplifts me.
But I'd just like to clarify that those stories, unless otherwise specified, are NOT ON HIATUS.
"Slow doesn't mean dropped," a fansubbing group said. I can say the same. I'll update them as soon as I can.
If you're rooting for a story to be updated, please tell me through email, FFNet's IM service, or through this post. You can ping me on YM as well. Just let me know.
And if you're annoyed at me or anything, you can message me as well. But let me tell you this: annoyance will get you nowhere with me. My time to write FF stories is a bit limited, especially now that school will interfere once more. It's just a hobby which takes my mind off things.
But believe me, I'm doing my best to update quickly. In fact, right now, I should be worrying about a demo production, a product concept and two videos to edit and instead I'm doing this entry.
Here's the list of stories, according to level of priority:
RECENTLY UPDATED FICS:
When Love and Hate Collide - Eriol x Tomoyo, 3 chapters, ongoing. (Sequel to Everything You Want)
Catch Me If You Can - Sakura x Syaoran, 5 chapters, ongoing.
Sweet Deception - (My current pet story) Sakura x Syaoran, Eriol x Tomoyo, Meiling x Touya, 13 chapters, ongoing.
FICS WHICH ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE UPDATED SOON, EXCEPT FOR THOSE ABOVE:
My Happy Ending - Touya x Meiling, 6 chapters, ongoing. (Sequel to My Husband's Wedding)
Memories - Sakura x Syaoran, 9 chapters, ongoing.
Gangster's Paradise - Sakura x Syaoran mostly, 9 chapters, ongoing.
STORIES ON THE BACKSEAT (NOT FORGOTTEN) AT PRESENT, BUT WILL BE UPDATED:
CCS:
Finding Love
Stolen Moments
Chasing After Love
Of Hearts and Symphonies: A CCS Songfic Collection
Beloved Enemy
Cold Fire
Daa! Daa! Daa!
The Untold Love Story
Oneshot Romance Collection
FMP!
I Guess That's Love, Sore Ga Ai Deshou (Filipino language)
STORIES CURRENTLY ON HIATUS, OFFICIALLY:
Fated (CCS)
COMPLETED STORIES:
My Husband's Wedding
Everything You Want
STORY PLAN (TO BE UPLOADED SOON):
The Making of My Husband's Wedding: A Parody (Refer to my FFnet profile for an excerpt)
A STORY I LONG WANTED TO WRITE BUT STILL NOT EXECUTED:
When Summer Ends (Again, refer to my FFnet profile for the synopsis)
Feel free to contact me about them. IM, email, comment, YM. You can curse, you can request, you can ask. You can even suggest if you want me to write another story or oneshot (or if one of the unwritten stories in my profile caught your eye). Anything. You can chat with me for ideas.
By the way, I'm still open for beta reading, so you can also contact me about that. Preferably the fandoms I frequent, plus Harry Potter perhaps.
Just don't be too abusive in your messages, or I'll definitely retaliate.
And lastly, my gratitude for reading this post, for still watching out for an update on my fics. Just for being there, reading and (for some) reviewing my fics. You don't know just how much your support uplifts me.
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