WENGWANG!

Wengwang na araw. Deadlines na napo-postpone, thus prolonging my agony.

At deadlines na pilit hinahabol. Until now. Shet. Wala pa akong tulog, as in. Mula BC132 tungong BC123.

Crossroads (or depression, again)

I don't get this. I really don't get it. The feeling that everything you do is pretty pointless — be it academics or be it Kule. It's not like I deliberately think about it; it just comes on its own accord. This empty feeling, this alienation, this strange disturbance that I hope will go away really, really soon.

Lately, I've been thinking of doing something more than I already am (and I know it's near suicide, what I'm considering). That's why right now I'm thinking about joining another org outside of Kule (UP SILIP to be precise).

The thing is, I'm really confused about what I truly want to do.

My impending graduation, one year from now (that is if I finish on time), seems like a dead-end; a deadline to make decisions. Decisions which I have put off for as long as I could. I have options aplenty, but in the end I know that somehow I have already chosen, I just still haven't gotten around to accepting which options seem most viable to me.

Existential? Maybe; most of the time I just chalk it off as chronic depression that eventually goes away. Manic-depressive? Possibly. World-weary? Isn't that too early at this point in my life? I mean, I'm barely 18, it's not like I'm supposed to experience some midlife crisis now. I'm supposed to be at the height of my youth. I'm not supposed to be like this.

But then, and the more important question is, why? Everything's going well in my life. It's not like I'm failing my classes or anything. It's not like I'm having problems again with my working relations with the people I work with.

Problem is, it's beginning to come more frequently lately that I'm afraid it might be something more serious.

Moreover, I have no freaking idea how to get around this.

I need a diversion badly. I know as much. I feel removed (detached, I think, is the more apt word) from the height of things, like when other people are around me, I just simply fade quietly into the background, choosing not to mingle, choosing to be alone, wrapped up in my thoughts (or lack thereof).

Maybe I need to write more, since I have long since recognized that writing is my form of therapy. Like now.

Or maybe I just need to stop for a moment, and breathe.

(untitled, again)

I always say that regret is the saddest word in the world. Still, even knowing that...

In the end, regret is all I could do.

****

Obsessed or depressed?

Mas mainam maging depressed kesa obsessed.

At least pag depressed ako, marami akong naisusulat.

Ngayon, kung obsessed ka na, depressed ka pa, ano na lang mangyayari sa iyo?

Maluka ka na lang. Hahaha.

***

May writer kayang sobrang maligaya lang sa buhay? Gusto ko siyang makilala.

Estranghera*

Sa paglalakad, ginugunita
Mga lumipas na araw
Mga alaalang tinuldukan
Ng aking pagkakamulat —
Mga alaalang dulot ay disgusto
At kaunting panlulumo
Sa isang nakaraang naisin man
di na mabalikan, ni mabawi man lang.

Sa muling paglalakad
Ibang daigdig
ang sa aki'y tumambad
Iba sa mundong kinikilusang
maingay, magulo,
at batbat ng tunggalian.

Ngunit aking nakita ang bakas
Ng nakaraang pinagmulan —
Mga alaalang
inilagak
sa sulok ng utak
isiniksik sa karimlan upang limutin
Mga alaalang wala nang puwang
Sa panahong
Naisara na
Ang aklat ng kasaysayan.


*Of memories better shelved, of things best left forgotten.
Of times remembered with repent, and the slightest tinge of bitter regret.
Of why some connections are lost and never found.

Of times when ignorance was my bliss.

Return to Sender

Sa mga fans ni Chris S. Agrava:

Return to Sender

Gone were the days...

I miss being a kid again.

Up until a few moments ago I was scouring the net for game emulators and roms of old 16 and 32-bit games (NES, SNES, SEGA, N64, even GBC and GBA).

Yeah, I used to be a sucker for those games. They weren't the graphics-heavy sort of online and PC games we see today, but they had great gameplay which, unfortunately, is sorely lacking in many games we find today (some PC games are just too repetitive, similar, and lacking in originality). I liked adventures, RPGs, puzzles...but I wasn't much fan of fighting games like Tekken or Street Fighter or X-Men. Now, games like Super Mario were more of my style.

I downloaded all that I could remember like crazy, not because I really wanted to play them again, but because a weird sense of nostalgia overcame me and I suddenly wanted to see them again, have access to them whenever I wanted to.

It's unlikely though that I'd play them again like I used to do. More likely I'd just open them for fun and gaze at the graphics and remember the "good ol' days." After all, it's not really the games I miss, but the memories they bring back.

Most probably I'd scoff at my cheesiness, like now, and then I'd just close the application and move on to doing something else.