Limbo

I was sitting there in a corner of a corridor here in CMC, trying not to feel depressed, again. Well, it crops up every now and then, and I'm kinda getting used to the misery. I wonder if a part of me is turning emo. Is it possible for me to have acquired some chronic depression thingy? Because I know that sometimes it makes no sense anymore, this feeling of confusion and discontent I have. It's not like I'm lacking in friends. But still, I end up perpetually depressed.

Maybe I just need to open up some more and get past this strange fear of rejection if I became honest for once and tried to talk about petty but nonetheless important things like my feelings. But then, I grew up this way. Emotions — talking about them, displaying them — make me feel uncomfortable, very uncomfortable indeed. Without the capacity to display my emotions, I thought that feelings were the ultimate human weakness.

As such, I somehow ended up an emotional wreck. Seemingly tough out, but very fragile inside. My self-esteem sucks a lot, too, even though I thought I have long made peace with who I am.

I hate this. I'm sick of pasting a smile on my face and trying to cheer somebody else up when inside, I'm a wretched emotional wreck. I don't want to try and meet someone else's expectations in exchange for my own.

Here I am, overrationalizing things again to the extent of letting myself feel like complete crap, taking all the blame in the world and leaving nothing for the rest. It sure sucks when I end up talking to myself, whipping myself to shape like I have no one else to talk to. I feel like I need to go to a psychiatrist, just so I can have someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings. I do know this isn't healthy anymore. And I know I'm being liberal and all, but I just need to let this out for now. Bottling it all up isn't healthy, I know as much.

Or maybe I'm just a trifle too overworked, again. I haven't the time to relax for myself anymore.

Just the same...

*Sorry To Myself*
(excerpts from Alanis Morissette's song)

For hearing all my doubts so selectively...
For beating myself up and over functioning...
For my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional...
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

**So, okay. Back to that scene here in CMC earlier. I concocted a little something, thus the title of this post, "Limbo." (Which, upon my rationalization, always ends up as the answer to what is troubling me)

Limbo:
- a state of confusion, a state of nothingness.
- being caught between intersecting, clashing worlds and not knowing where to go.
- the inability to choose, to take the necessary step forward; wandering on aimlessly.
- a sorry state of being, a depressing state of mind.
- a result of escaping contradictions instead of facing them head on and resolving them.
- losing the sense of time, losing touch with reality and people.
- a feeling of being alone, without a sense of truly belonging.
- a result of being burdened with emotional issues, a lack of self-esteem. Low emotional quotient, perhaps.


Limbo. Belonging everywhere and yet nowhere.

Limbo. It's worse than hell. Swinging in many directions, but never making that leap and making a choice.

Limbo.

Trust me, you don't want to be stuck here.###