On "Babangon..."

Tapos na siya, sa wakas. Masasabi kong maayos naman sa kabila ng mga aberya at kahit nahuli kami sa schedule.

Successful naman siya, despite some things. And it's definitely worth the trouble.

Salamat sa lahat ng um-attend. Sana nag-enjoy kayo at na-inform naman kayo tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

(Bigla tuloy gusto kong um-attend sa Miting de Avance sa Masscomm, 4 to 7 pm naman. For more.)

P.S. May video footages ako para sana maipost din asap para sa mga di nakadalo, pero ang problema, walang FIREWIRE port na available para ma-capture na ang video. Tanga lang talaga. Paumanhin.

Casper

One of these days, magpo-post ako ng pictures ng aming aso. Kapalit ng namatay naming dalmatian, isa namang labrador, si Casper.

Ang kulit niya, gusto ko lang sabihin. Kumbaga sa bata, siya yung may ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Hay. At hindi pa siya gaanong potty-trained (umiihi pa rin siya minsan sa loob ng bahay, pero at least hindi na jumejebs).

Pero at least, may pet therapy na 'ko. Kasi pagdating ko, sinasalubong niya ako at kinukulit.

Nababawasan ang chronic depression ko.

Babangon ako't dudurugin kita: A 2009 USC elections debate

Magkakaalaman na. Magpapahuli ka ba?

The Philippine Collegian, official student publication of the University of the Philippines-Diliman, and Solidaridad, Systemwide Alliance of Student Publications and Writers' Organizations in UP, bring you Babangon Ako't Dudurugin Kita: Debate ng Mga Partido sa 2009 USC Elections, a two-hour debate program for USC electoral candidates this coming Friday, February 20.

Slated to participate in the debate are five candidates each from Alyansa, Kaisa, Stand-UP, and two independent candidates for USC councilorship.

Date: Friday, February 20, 2009
Time: 11:00 am to 1:00 pm
Venue: Palma Hall, PH 400

Punta na!

Fighting another bout of depression*

*It took a lot of effort just to post this entry. I've been psychoanalyzing myself for months. It's high time I get a second opinion. This was written on my way home, slightly edited, and I want to get it out of my system before I start functioning again tonight.

Hindi ko akalaing aabot ako sa puntong ito.

Oo, aaminin kong depressed na naman ata ako. Baka bukas, wala na naman ang pakiramdam na ito. Pero iyon nga ang problema. Pabugso-bugso siya — panandaliang maiibsan pero dagli ring magbabalik makalipas ang ilang araw o linggo.

Pero ngayon, parang umabot sa puntong pagod na akong bumangon. Umabot na sa puntong tila masarap na lang bumitaw, sumuko, magpatalo sa depression, bumigay sa stress. Kanina, habang isinusulat ko ito, tila ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko para maghanap ng solusyon sa sunud-sunod na nagsidatingang mga problemang kailangang ayusin. Masakit sa ulo, medyo nakakabigat din sa loob dahil nandoon na ang expectation ko na papalpak ako at sa huli, sama lang ng loob ang dadalhin sa akin ng mga problemang ito.

"I've been brought down one time too many," 'ika nga nila. Baka ganoon ang kaso ko. Umabot na sa puntong gusto nang magwala ng sistema ko. Overfunctioning, overwork.

Hindi ko alam na may tendency akong maging whiner. Ako kasi yung tipong ayaw ibahagi ang problema sa iba. Ako ang shock absorber, at tila tinanggalan ko na ang sarili ko ng karapatan na maglabas ng sama ng loob, na maglabas ng saloobin. Mas inuuna kong pakinggan, solusyunan ang problema ng iba bago ako. Handang makinig, pero bihirang magkwento. Sa bahay, computer lang ang kadalasang kausap ko. Ang ate ko kasing dati kong hingahan ng sama ng loob, may asawa na ngayon, at nakakahiya namang dumagdag pa ako sa problema niya ngayong may anak na siya. (Shet. Tumutulo na naman ang luha ko. Siguro nga oversensitive ako minsan, overdepressed, over sa lahat, kaya nagma-malfunction na)

Proven ko na ang pet therapy noon, pero namatay nga ang dalmatian namin months ago at napuna kong lumala ang mga instances na nagda-drama ako. After niyang mamatay, nauwi na lang sa pagsusulat ang therapy ko — fanfic, essay, ranting na never kong pinublish o pinabasa kahit kanino — lahat iyan pinatulan ko. Mabuti nga may aso na ulit kami. At least ngayon, may makakausap na ulit ako at mag-work na ulit ang pet therapy bilang pang-alis ng stress at maiwasan ko ang depression. Mukha kasing di na uubra ang self-therapy.

Hangga't maaari, ayokong mang-burden ng iba. Hangga't kaya kong sarilinin, solusyunang mag-isa, ginagawa ko. Feeling ko kasi ang petty lang at ang insensitive ng paghihinga ng sama ng loob mo habang ang mga tao sa paligid mo, may mas malaking problema kaysa sa pagiging perpetually depressed.

Nakalimutan ko nga ba ang sarili ko? Marahil. At alam kong hindi magfa-function ng maayos ang tao kung marami siyang issues, kaya heto ako, nagsusulat ng isang sobrang habang blog entry na malamang, wala rin namang babasa o kung meron man, hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon. Basta, ginagawa ko ito para sa sarili ko.

Siguro nga kailangan ko na ng kausap. May mas dadrama pa ba sa akin? Ewan ko lang. Months ago pa ako unang nakaramdam ng ganito. Lagi ko lang sinasarili.

Bakit ako nagkaganito? Maraming dahilan. Halu-halo na silang lahat. Minsan, tulad kanina sa bus, naiisip kong wala akong kwentang tao. Tipong pagse-self-pity. Pathetic, pero totoo. Kaya nga ayokong nagmamaldita, kadalasan kasi, feeling ko, ako ang guilty party. Ako ang may problema. Lagi kong inaako ang problema. Nagsawa na rin kasi akong mag-defend ng sarili, so, tinatanggap ko na lang lahat, no questions asked, no contentions. Pilit bumabawi, pero minsan, wala nang babawiin.

Baka kasi tama sila. Hindi ako akma rito. Kaya nga kadalasan sukung-suko na ako. Sa puntong ito, hindi na mahalaga kung ginusto kong mapunta rito o hindi. Ang isyu, nandito na ako, marami akong hindi nagawa ng maayos, kasalanan ko. Kaya alam kong wala akong karapatang magmaganda o magmaldita. Hindi lang naman ako ang overworked na tao sa mundo. Ewan kung nagkataon lang, pero napatunayan ko, hindi lang iilang ulit, na "when it rains, it pours." Pwede rin siguro ang "bad luck comes in threes." Ewan, ayoko nang isipin.

Minsan tuloy, naiisip kong mag-iba ng linya. Parang ayoko na kasi kung minsan. At iyon ang hindi ko mapaniwalaan: na umabot na ako sa puntong handa akong iwan at talikdan ang isang bagay na ipinaglaban ko maging sa mga magulang ko noon. Ang bagay na minahal ko, sinusukuan ko na.

Ewan. Sabi ko naman, depressed lang ako. Baka bukas, iba na ulit ang pakiramdam ko.

Pero sa ngayon, pagod na talaga ako. Burnt out, K.O. Kaya heto, pagbigyan ninyo na ang post na ito. Matagal na siguro akong umabot sa sukdulan, pilit ko lang inaalpasan at iniaangat ang sukdulang iyon. Hindi ko alam kung maiaangat ko pa siya pagkatapos nito.

Siguro sa huli, humihingi lang ako ng pang-unawa. Tao lang din naman ako. Nitong huling mga araw, sobrang cranky ko lang. Baka ito na ang resulta ng matagalang pagkababad ko sa stress na nagdulot na nga ng chronic depression sa akin. Sa mga nasinghalan ko, nasigawan, naaway, lahat na, siguro paraan ito ng pagpapaliwanag kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.

Kung maibabalik ko lang ang mga bagay, baka hindi ako depressed ngayon. Subalit may mga bagay na hindi na maibabalik, naisin ko man. Nangyari na ang nangyari, at sa mga pagkukulang na di napunan, wala na akong masasabi kundi paumanhin. Sa sarili ko at sa lahat ng taong naapektuhan ng pagkawalang-kwenta ko.#

On TRC

Sorry, I just need to post this...uh...post.

I just thought about it. I think Clow is just Acid Tokyo's future, but it can't be xxxHolic Tokyo's future because two Sakuras cannot exist in the same dimension... I mean, Clow Princess is CCSakura's self in that dimension. So, it makes better sense that it is only Clow and Acid Tokyo which shares the same identity. Hmm...

Of things that ended before they begun

In the end, the only thing I can do is regret.

(Untitled)

*Pfft. February 14 - Valentine's aka "Singleness awareness day" is here.

*February 14 never meant anything to me except that I never had classes on this day in high school, because it's Valenzuela Day.

And, oh. The few times February 14 was celebrated in elementary school were awkward affairs I'd rather forget.

P.S. I think I should write a chapter for my stories for the readers' sake. But I doubt I have the time.

FF urge

I want to write another chapter in one of my fanfics. Maybe next week. Or maybe come March.#

Dreams*

I think a lot. I could lie in bed for hours without sleeping a wink, just letting my thoughts roam elsewhere.

At first I think of the things that need to be done. I'd toss and turn in my bed, and in the end the obsessive-compulsive in me wins and I get up, make a to-do list before I'd finally get a good night's (or morning's) sleep.

Sometimes panic overcomes me and I worry for several moments. But worrying is one of the things I hate to do, so I usually end up saying "To hell with it," or the perpetual "Bahala na," and close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

Other times I think of stories, of fiction I have long extracted from the recesses of my mind. I try to find ways to make the plot flow, or tweak it here and there until I have successfully twisted it the way I wanted to. Most of the time I just give up — it's just my way of unwinding, of escaping, to keep my mind off things. Darker things. Things I didn't want to be bothered with before I go to sleep, things I was afraid would give me nightmares if I dwelled on them long enough.

Perhaps you could call it cowardice on my part. Or maybe I was just feeling out of touch, or mayhap floating a bit. The thing is, everything I believed in, everything I continue to fight for, has somewhat become an abstraction recently, that I'm feeling the need to connect with reality again. And yes, I'm beginning to fear the frustration, the feeling of entrapment, the lack of practice that should come with the theory. And as such, I don't dwell on things I don't see, avoid analyzing things beyond my realm.

And I hate myself for it.

I understand what I am doing — at least for the most part. But I don't think that's enough. I fear that one day I would revert to my old self; the dreamer who couldn't do anything, the pretend-realist who was out of touch with herself.

Maybe it's the reason why I don't dream anymore. No fairy tale romances, no dream job, no prospects for the future.

I only have a year to go before I officially leave the academe, and still, I continue trudging on with uncertainty. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing in my course, except for the fact that I don’t know what other course I could have taken, and the fact that I like to finish what I started. My relationship with my major is pretty much a messy mix of love-hate. Some parts I really like doing and some subjects I think are worth taking, while others I’d rather do without and are practically useless in my viewpoint.

One year to go and I still don't know where I'm going to work, or if I'd even be able to practice my profession in the future. I do know that someday I might get around to getting another degree (or not), because I’d really like to teach. But other than that, everything else is abstract.

I'm putting off a lot of things, thinking that one year is long enough to figure things out. I refuse to think in the long-term, trying only to solve the here and now before moving on to other concerns.

I say I don't dream anymore. But the truth is that I just refuse to realize the dreams that have pervaded my thoughts now in exchange of fairy tales and high-paying jobs. While I already know and accept that I probably won't end up working in some high-profile media company, that I just might never experience having a large salary, I still could not make peace with the person I have become.

For all the firmness of my beliefs, and for all the waking hours I spent in thinking and enacting these beliefs, I couldn't overcome certain contradictions in my life. So I surmise I still have a lot to learn.

I know that someday, all these decisions I couldn't make would someday crash down on me. And it would be my fault. Before the deadline comes, I hope to finally see where I'm headed. And I hope, by that time, my dreams will become clear, and that I would be able to enact on them.

*The first draft of my column which appeared on the Philippine Collegian issue number 23.

Limbo

I was sitting there in a corner of a corridor here in CMC, trying not to feel depressed, again. Well, it crops up every now and then, and I'm kinda getting used to the misery. I wonder if a part of me is turning emo. Is it possible for me to have acquired some chronic depression thingy? Because I know that sometimes it makes no sense anymore, this feeling of confusion and discontent I have. It's not like I'm lacking in friends. But still, I end up perpetually depressed.

Maybe I just need to open up some more and get past this strange fear of rejection if I became honest for once and tried to talk about petty but nonetheless important things like my feelings. But then, I grew up this way. Emotions — talking about them, displaying them — make me feel uncomfortable, very uncomfortable indeed. Without the capacity to display my emotions, I thought that feelings were the ultimate human weakness.

As such, I somehow ended up an emotional wreck. Seemingly tough out, but very fragile inside. My self-esteem sucks a lot, too, even though I thought I have long made peace with who I am.

I hate this. I'm sick of pasting a smile on my face and trying to cheer somebody else up when inside, I'm a wretched emotional wreck. I don't want to try and meet someone else's expectations in exchange for my own.

Here I am, overrationalizing things again to the extent of letting myself feel like complete crap, taking all the blame in the world and leaving nothing for the rest. It sure sucks when I end up talking to myself, whipping myself to shape like I have no one else to talk to. I feel like I need to go to a psychiatrist, just so I can have someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings. I do know this isn't healthy anymore. And I know I'm being liberal and all, but I just need to let this out for now. Bottling it all up isn't healthy, I know as much.

Or maybe I'm just a trifle too overworked, again. I haven't the time to relax for myself anymore.

Just the same...

*Sorry To Myself*
(excerpts from Alanis Morissette's song)

For hearing all my doubts so selectively...
For beating myself up and over functioning...
For my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional...
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

**So, okay. Back to that scene here in CMC earlier. I concocted a little something, thus the title of this post, "Limbo." (Which, upon my rationalization, always ends up as the answer to what is troubling me)

Limbo:
- a state of confusion, a state of nothingness.
- being caught between intersecting, clashing worlds and not knowing where to go.
- the inability to choose, to take the necessary step forward; wandering on aimlessly.
- a sorry state of being, a depressing state of mind.
- a result of escaping contradictions instead of facing them head on and resolving them.
- losing the sense of time, losing touch with reality and people.
- a feeling of being alone, without a sense of truly belonging.
- a result of being burdened with emotional issues, a lack of self-esteem. Low emotional quotient, perhaps.


Limbo. Belonging everywhere and yet nowhere.

Limbo. It's worse than hell. Swinging in many directions, but never making that leap and making a choice.

Limbo.

Trust me, you don't want to be stuck here.###